Tuesday, November 29, 2005
EMOTIONAL ENERGY INVENTORY
Most of the people who are important to us have very specific expectations that they want us to live up to. Not only do parents want their kids to live a certain way or have a certain kind of career. People want their spouses to be ambitious or nurturing or social. People want friends to be cool or funny or endlessly helpful.
When the expectations people have of you are the same as your own, then your life can feel in harmony. But when the people who are important to you have expectations that are out of sync with what you want and what you need for yourself, then you could be going through life with a terrible draining burden on your emotional energy.
Why is this so exhausting? Suppose you had a job, and you and a coworker did the same tasks. But by some bizarre twist 80 percent of your paycheck kept ending up in his pocket. You’re both working hard, but he gets most of the benefit of your work. How long could you go on that way?
That’s what happens when you try to live your life according to someone else’ expectations. You’re supposed to get satisfaction from the way you live your life. Maybe not every minute, but in general you have a right to expect satisfaction from life. But when someone else’s expectations determine how you live, it’s the other person, not you, who gets the emotional satisfaction from your efforts. You’re putting out energy, but you’re starving to death emotionally.
So, who is the one person in your life right now whose expectations are a problem for you? Who in your life makes you feel just a little more emotionally exhausted because of your sense of their disappointment in you? Now, try to state the other person’s expectation for you in one simple sentence. For example, “my partner expects me to be slim and trim.” Or My dad wants me to have what he calls a real career.”
The next step would be seeing how you’ve signed on to someone else’s expectation that in your heart you don’t agree with. Once you can see this, you can begin to lessen the emotional drain until it’s managed enough or you are free.
When the expectations people have of you are the same as your own, then your life can feel in harmony. But when the people who are important to you have expectations that are out of sync with what you want and what you need for yourself, then you could be going through life with a terrible draining burden on your emotional energy.
Why is this so exhausting? Suppose you had a job, and you and a coworker did the same tasks. But by some bizarre twist 80 percent of your paycheck kept ending up in his pocket. You’re both working hard, but he gets most of the benefit of your work. How long could you go on that way?
That’s what happens when you try to live your life according to someone else’ expectations. You’re supposed to get satisfaction from the way you live your life. Maybe not every minute, but in general you have a right to expect satisfaction from life. But when someone else’s expectations determine how you live, it’s the other person, not you, who gets the emotional satisfaction from your efforts. You’re putting out energy, but you’re starving to death emotionally.
So, who is the one person in your life right now whose expectations are a problem for you? Who in your life makes you feel just a little more emotionally exhausted because of your sense of their disappointment in you? Now, try to state the other person’s expectation for you in one simple sentence. For example, “my partner expects me to be slim and trim.” Or My dad wants me to have what he calls a real career.”
The next step would be seeing how you’ve signed on to someone else’s expectation that in your heart you don’t agree with. Once you can see this, you can begin to lessen the emotional drain until it’s managed enough or you are free.
// posted by Keith @ 6:30 AM 
Comments:
<< Home
There are a number of emotionally draining things (people, circumstances) that have to be managed in my life. I think it is this way in the lives of most people. The danger would be if a person pretends they are okay, and if they choose not to manage and deal with what is emotionally draining them. In marriage & family, these things often have to be worked out together, and everyone's needs must be considered.
Then there is even the expectations of strangers. I am not sure what I expected. You were simply Jamie Dawn's Hubby. That in itself is an expectation to live up to.
Your topic however allowed me to see you as Keith. It reached out and touched a part of me that I have been staring at for the last few weeks. Something has been zapping my emotional and mental energy and I cannot find the draw.
I enjoyed YOUR perspective and am glad that I found your redirect. I look forward to the continuation of this discussion.
Take Care
Michael
Your topic however allowed me to see you as Keith. It reached out and touched a part of me that I have been staring at for the last few weeks. Something has been zapping my emotional and mental energy and I cannot find the draw.
I enjoyed YOUR perspective and am glad that I found your redirect. I look forward to the continuation of this discussion.
Take Care
Michael
Great analogy! And Jamie Dawn's right about pretending you're okay and not dealing with emotional drainage. I did that for a long time!
Suppose you had a job, and you and a coworker did the same tasks. But by some bizarre twist 80 percent of your paycheck kept ending up in his pocket. You’re both working hard, but he gets most of the benefit of your work. How long could you go on that way?
That’s what happens when you try to live your life according to someone else’ expectations.
Bravo. Beautifully said. Excellent analogy.
My parents have always been the drain. I'm not a Christian fundie (just Christian lite) and they are sure I'm going to hell, yet they love me. It strains us all.
That’s what happens when you try to live your life according to someone else’ expectations.
Bravo. Beautifully said. Excellent analogy.
My parents have always been the drain. I'm not a Christian fundie (just Christian lite) and they are sure I'm going to hell, yet they love me. It strains us all.
Michael: Thanks for your comments. I'm content to be Jamie Dawn's Hubby.
I'm glad you came by. I hope that the next several posts will allow you to identify the draw and move against it. If not, then I have failed. And that is simply not an option.
I look forward to hearing about what you discover.
I'm glad you came by. I hope that the next several posts will allow you to identify the draw and move against it. If not, then I have failed. And that is simply not an option.
I look forward to hearing about what you discover.
Cheryl: Thank you! Sometimes it's just easier to pretend than to "dive into the muck". But it's always worthwhile to "dive".
John C:Thanks for continuing to come by and read. I place a high value on that and your past comments. They have helped me shape my thinking processes.
Saur: Thanks for the encouraging words. Parents' expectations, whether verbalized and not are powerful forces in our lives. They have the power to liberate or paralyze.
Saur: Thanks for the encouraging words. Parents' expectations, whether verbalized and not are powerful forces in our lives. They have the power to liberate or paralyze.
I am living the danger Jamie Dawn speaks of by not managing the draining relationships in my life. Even any discussion at all is exhausting, so I avoid, then get lambasted. I am not so much one that is good at sharing my thoughts 'til after the conversation is over. I then feel all sorts of things but the opportunity is lost. Does any of what I just rambled make any sense?
Alison: It makes a lot of sense. Many people need to have an environment or relationship that just allows them to speak out or ramble on about all that is on the inside. It's in the ability to just hear the words come out of your mouth that you are able to test and see which things make sense and what things are just being said from frustration or pain. They may not even come out in the right way or with the right tone or meaning at first. But once you hear yourself speak your own thoughts and your own pain, then you can pick and choose which words and phrases are the ones that you mean and want to hold on to. Very few people can say the right things at the right time in the right way, all the time. The rest of us have to have environments where we can get a lot of things off our chest and then take back the ones that were just not fair or were too harsh and hold on to and keep the rest. In the heat of an argument I say things I don't mean, in ways I don't mean them. Those words are mixed in with all the ones that I do mean to say. Then it's my responsibility to sort out the truth and humble myself for the rest. You may be the type of person that you just need the other party to sit and listen without interupting, even if it doesn't make sense to them. You may also want to write out your thoughts and feelings first. Not for the purpose of giving them a letter but for your own good. "Thoughts disintangle themselves when they pass from the lips to the finger tips".
I wish you well!
I wish you well!
This seems so bizzare to me... When I think about those who drain me, I can only think of myself. I am most fortunate to have the friends and family that I do.
It seems that most of the misery in my life is brought upon myself.
"I shouldn't have had that extra piece of cake. That's why I don't fit into my jeans."
"I should have spent more time with the kids today instead of focusing on the house."
Etc., etc...
Am I missing something here?
Thanks for the insight,
Mon :-)
Post a Comment
It seems that most of the misery in my life is brought upon myself.
"I shouldn't have had that extra piece of cake. That's why I don't fit into my jeans."
"I should have spent more time with the kids today instead of focusing on the house."
Etc., etc...
Am I missing something here?
Thanks for the insight,
Mon :-)
<< Home
